Thursday, 31 October 2013

The beginning of Harry

Today is Halloween.
By the way I love Halloween. I make a huge deal of out it and for me now it's a bit of a distraction about what follows on 1st November.

The 1st November 2011 I discovered I was expecting Harry. I will remember that day forever.

I has taken test after test as I was late and they were all negative and I couldn't understand what was happening to my body. That day I was at work and came home for lunch and I'd bought a pack of tests from the supermarket. Anyway I thought it wouldn't hurt to take another test and there we had it. A lovely positive test.

Anyway that day stuck with me as although I was really happy to be carrying another child, my mind started to fill with "what about..." Scenarios. Like what about William, how will I cope with two, what about my job, how will they react, what about our families, how will they react so soon after William? Then after that I started worrying about every little thing and worked myself up.
My work were a huge pain in the backside and tried to fire me for being pregnant which was insane and I also wound up in hospital with hyperemesis.

The pregnancy was a tough one and I never felt like I could bond with this baby. I always had a feeling of huge fear that something bad was going to happen but no one took that seriously.

A girlfriend reminded me recently of the time she'd seen me last which was before Harry had been born (I went into hiding after losing Harry until giving birth to Florence so if you spent time with me in the meantime frankly you are one of a few!) and she told me about how I just knew something bad was going to happen. Strange. I'd forgotten that. The shock of it all has made me forget quite a few bits.

I can also remember vividly the day before I had Harry and the fear of what was about to happen. We had been shopping to get the final things and Harry's dad had had enough of me worrying about everything that we had a massive row and he ended up going to sleep and I ended up downstairs doing toe massive baskets of ironing to take my mind off it all. I just felt like something awful was around the corner and everyone felt like I was being a drama queen. So much so I didn't trust my own instincts.

So tomorrow marks another day in my Harry anniversary calendar. The day his life began for me. The day I knew he was existing inside of me. A mothers love starts there.... And my love for this little man will always be. He is always in my thoughts and in my heavy heart. Things in my life are certainly more positive but that heaviness of loss will always be my sadness to carry.

Thinking of you more than usual tomorrow sweetheart x x x x


  1. Im also a bereaved mum,1yr and 6mths. The emptyness drives me insane,and has affected most of my relationships. I do have a goal though. I intend to buy a property,so I can offer resbite to children with complex needs. Having my son,left me with invaluble skills that take most people yrs to develop. Thanks to people like you, I can discuss my feelings and dont feel completley alone. Big thank you x :) x wendy edwards.

  2. I've read lots of your blog but don't think I've ever really commented but this post really makes me think because when I was pregnant with Adam, for most of the pregnancy, I was emotionally fine. But towards the end, I started being overcome with fear - not about labour but a fear that something was going to go wrong. There were no outward signs, no symptoms and I didn't tell anyone about that fear.

    When my waters broke but over the next 29hrs, there were no signs of labour, I felt like I was surrounded by a dark cloud and I was terrified - utterly certain something was wrong. I remember lying on the couch in the living room waiting for signs of labour and desperately praying for God to protect my baby - it was a primal, desperate urge that I HAD to pray.

    Looking back on these moments, in light of his life-threatening infection, time in NICU and resulting disabilities, I can't help but wonder if somehow, mother's just know? Even if we don't want to admit it or try to argue it away as "illogical" - is there some kind of instinct or link with our babies that we know when something is wrong?

    I doubt there's any science on this and some would dismiss me as utterly mad, but I wonder.