Monday, 28 October 2013

Smiling through tears

It has been a long time since I have felt this happy, and I am so grateful to feel happiness again after such a long time of darkness.

I feel guilty for feeling happy, as I think of Harry and how he would never know conscious happiness. My counsellor used to tell me that Harry only knew happiness, as all his life, inside my tummy and his short time with us, he was always surrounded in love. I like that thought and I carry that with me.

I feel like I have my old self back, a bit more confidence and a bit more fun.

I feel happiness bursting out of me when I look at my two beautiful children. William is such a darling and says such loving, sweet things. And Florence truly is a blessing. Such a happy baby and so cute and gorgeous.
But when I cuddle her, and feel such amazing love for her, I can't help but burst into tears. I miss Harry. Watching Florence grow and change is so amazing, but Harry will never be more than my newborn Harry.

Sometimes I can't beleive what I have been through. My own child has died. I wish I didn't have to have these memories.

When people look at Florence they ask me is she my first? I always say she is my third and hope that the nosey old people will be satisfied with that. The other day in the doctors, I had a lady ask me how the other children like Florence. I said "they love her" and hoped that would be it. Then she asked me their names. My god. I know you're just being interested but....! I told her William and Harry. Then went back to my magazine. Then she said "How old are they?" Ugh, now I have to tell her the story. I am ok with telling the story. With the work of the Trust I have to do it all the time, so it's ok. I told her William is 3 1/2 and Harry sadly died. She asked how old he was when he died and I told her he was just over a day old. I know it must be hard to be told that a baby has died, especially when it is not spoken about in public. She looked so uncomfortable and asked what happened. It was pure disbelief when I told her, almost like I was making it up. Man, I wish I was.

Others say, oh one of each, you're very lucky. Yes. One of each here. And I have an angel watching over me too. I am very lucky. But my heart is broken. I had to kiss my son a final goodbye. No one should have to do that.

Some say, at least you have Florence. Things are better now. Like she is some kind of plaster, covering a huge wound. And I am always grateful for Florence. She really is our rainbow. But the devastation of the storm won't ever be completely cleared. Harry has left a massive scar, but I don't want him covered up. Some people don't understand why I don't just tell people I have two people to save those awkward moments, but to me, that is denying Harry. He is a part of our family and I think about him every single hour of every single day, so I won't lie to make someone else feel more comfortable.

So yes, smiling through the tears. Happy times after sad times. But sadness coming through the happiness. It's a bloody tough old ride.

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