Friday, 19 July 2013

Closer and closer....

Today is two weeks until my scheduled section. I have reached 35 weeks. Yet here I am, admitted to hospital and being monitored for early labour. This wasn't part of my "plan". My plan had been to wind down all my Trust admin work this week, and to spend time relaxing at home, getting the finishing touches right in the nursery and organising my bags for my postnatal stay at my mums house.


I am here because of suspected ruptured membranes three weeks ago, and a gigantic leak yesterday followed by lots of cramps in my back and menstrual like pains in my legs and under my bump. Followed by semi regular contractions around every 15-20 minutes. Am I in labour? Well last night a consultant gave me my first shot of steroids to mature the babies lungs incase of an early delivery, and the pains seem to be progressing. I DO NOT WANT TO DELIVER THIS BABY NATURALLY. I have had two very traumatic labours, I just don't feel I can cope with a third. Hence the elective section. William was born at 37w and Harry at 36w so it isn't surprising that things are starting to move on at this stage. What I am concerned about it that my levels of anxiety are going to make this baby come a bit sooner than he or she should and he or she might need extra care that he or she wouldn't do ordinarily if they could be left to "cook" a bit longer. 

While being here this morning I had a huge flashback of Harry's delivery when the surgeon who delivered Harry came in to see another patient. There I was back in the theatre reliving that moment where all was so uncertain and seeing his face and remembering searching his grief stricken face for answers was just too much. I burst into tears.

Again while being monitored on the CTG machine baby's heart rate dropped from 140 down to 70 and again I freaked out that I was replicating Harry's birth when his heart rate took some dramatic dips. "No! I can't do this again!" I said welling up, but it was only the baby shifting around and the monitor picking up my heartbeat instead. 

Being here is hard. I am suffering multiple palpitations, my heart beat is a racing 112 and I keep getting hot flashes

 I NEED my baby here to hold and to watch. But the baby is safer in my tummy. It is a very hard balance to strike. 

Will I make it the next two weeks? Or will it come sooner? Will that be on his or here's own accord? Will it be a drama or will it be calm and relaxed? Or will it be because I cannot control my insane anxieties and I am causing my new baby to have a difficult start because I can't get a grip? Watch this space.....

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Harry's Birthday Weekend

As part of my blogging journey, as well as writing about the emotions and feelings of being a bereaved mother I wanted to keep a little log of the things that we do to remember Harry and obviously his birthday weekend was a huge milestone in our grief journey and we had a lovely weekend full of rememberance.

We started Harry's birthday weekend by lighting a candle that we would burn for the 26 hours representing his little lifetime, with a beginning and an end:
At 22.37 (8th June)

At 1am (10th June)

At the exact time of his birth 22.37, we also set off a chinese lantern to Harry from our backyard:

Both these things I found incredibly moving and significant.

Something I struggled with was no birthday party. I kept remembering William's first birthday party and how lovely it was to watch him playing with his friends and blowing out his first ever birthday cake candle, surrounded by those who love him. Harry would never have this.

So my mum had a lovely idea about doing a little birthday tea as she does for everyone in our family, and said she would make a cake and bring some flasks of tea and some blankets to sit on, and we would go and visit Harry's grave and have tea and cake:

Then, on Sunday morning at 1am, the time when Harry became a beautiful angel,  we set off some lanterns on Budleigh beach to send our birthday messages to Harry and how much we love and miss him.

It was very moving to watch these lanterns float off in the wind and represent Harry's little soul going off to be in heaven with the other angels.

A lovely and very memorable weekend.