Friday, 22 November 2013

Everybody's Changing but I Still Feel the Same

I can hardly believe it is soon time for the second annual Harry's Ball.

It is insane that Harry would be coming up for 18 months next month.

My beautiful rainbow baby is now four months and starting to be weaned.

Time is passing by...

Relationships are changing, new friendships are forming and the world keeps turning.

And yet, I am still carrying this sadness for my boy who isn't here.

Harry's Trust is truly evolving and is going from strength to strength. A real honour to be able to do something so positive to keep Harry's memory alive. And is giving me such purpose in life, to use my skills to help others, and to keep my promise to Harry. This past month has whizzed by as the days are jammed full of family activities, chores and charity responsibilities.

People have asked me, how am I feeling now that time has passed.... now that Florence is here, are things easier? I cannot believe my son has been an angel for 18 months, as I can still barely believe it happened.

I have days when I am walking along and I stop and think "did that happen to me?" as sometimes it feels like it was someone else.

Sometimes the pain is just numbness and I am unable to feel anything other than shock.

Sometimes I think about my boy, and how he was with us for the shortest time, but I watched him breathe, I watched him try to open his eyes, I watched him as my mum tickled his feet and he pulled them away. And then I think about when we said goodbye. As I held him and he took his final breaths. Was he happy? Did he feel my love? I would do anything to have that moment back as there is so many things I want to say to him. So many more photos to take. God, it is unbelievably hard to think of all the things I wanted to do with that boy, but so suddenly his heart had stopped beating and I no longer knew what was acceptable behaviour with a baby that had died and he was taken to the mortuary.

I wish so bad that someone had taken the time to show me how I could've done a few motherly acts for my child. I am always so grateful to the undertaker who allowed us the time and space to spend time with Harry in the funeral parlour, and let me dress Harry in the beautiful outfit I had chosen for him. I will always remember that time with Harry as it was the one time I was able to be his Mummy.

I have been chatting to the parent of a little girl who shared Harry's due date recently. He sent me a photo of his little girl as a newborn to use in a video for the Trust, and he apologised as he knew it would be hard for me. Now, this little girl will always be our Harry-gauge. When she starts to grow, and to talk or to learn something or achieve a milestone in her life, I will always think of Harry. To begin with, it was painful and although this photo had been on FaceBook, at the time it was posted I was unable to look at it as it hurt too much. But now, I am so happy to watch this beautiful girl growing and changing and becoming a little person, with a smile and a fondness and she helps me feel Harry's soul and how he should be now. I am sad he isn't here but his soul is still growing and up there with the angels, that is just the little boy he would be right now. What a precious reminder she is.

So how am I feeling 18 months into my journey? It is certainly still a journey. There are certainly days that I just want to cry, or be angry about why Harry isn't here. But I think those days will always be here. I can be grateful however that I met my boy and I knew him and I loved him so very much. It is that love that keeps me going. And that love that is poured into Harry's Trust to help turn his terrible time into something more positive.

I can also say that I am extremely lucky to have so many wonderful friends that I can talk to about all this, who won't judge and who will listen. I am so grateful as I think my journey would be very different without these people.

I still have the same feelings inside, and I know I am certainly more in control of them, but they are still there.

And while I say everyone around me is changing, I think I have changed too. I think I am realising more and more that life is short, to seize the day, to live and laugh, and to have fun. So now I am thinking, what changes do I need to make to be the happiest I can be? To fulfil my destiny?

My mum once told me "Life is too short to be miserable" - she is right.

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