In this blog, I have touched on the impact of loss on parenting.
These last few months have been tough for me as Florence is learning to eat by herself.
Cue mother in a state of anxiety every meal time.
Why am I doing this to myself?
To begin with I would only feed Florence myself, food that was pureed into a pulp with absolutely no lumps. We were doing well. I started introducing lumpy food and would panic whenever she gagged, even the tiniest bit.
Finger food - oh my god. What a nightmare this is. She needs to learn, and she is absolutely an independant young lady, so she really wants to learn too.
Every single meal time I am on edge. Worrying about the worst case scenario.
At her nursery they are fully confident in her ability and she gets to explore all kinds of food.
I want to do this too.
I am trying....
We fed her the other night, she was eating some rice cakes, while I spoke to her dad. She has a really bad cough and cold at the moment as well, and I looked at her she had a massive piece of rice cake in her mouth. The next thing she starts coughing and suddenly the massive piece of rice cake has disappeared.
Inside my head:
Oh my god.... where has that gone???? She has swallowed it??! She's choking....!!!
I freak out, and start hitting her on the back.
She's fine, but my over zealous back patting has hurt her and she is crying.
She is fine.
I am an idiot.
Relief - she is fine.
What an idiot, she is crying.....
I burst into tears... why do I feel like this? I feel like this because I can't lose another one. My children mean so much to me, I love them dearly. I am also truly broken from having to bury one of them, and now my remaining children will always be watched like a hawk.
This is a shame. I don't want to suffocate their souls. I want to let them be free to grow into their own people.
I am trying so hard.... but I miss Harry so much, I don't want to miss another one........