Saturday, 17 May 2014

Darkest days...

One of the songs we played at Harry's funeral was "Everybody Hurts" by REM. An amazing song, that touches everyone who listens to it. I felt it was appropriate for Harry's funeral as it totally sums up dark feelings.

Not everyone knows this, but for years I have struggled with depression. I have days when I can be totally upbeat and for the most part that is who I am. But for a good couple chunks of my life I have had depression of varying kinds. When I was a teenager I struggled with a few issues in my life and found the need to control certain things helped me with my depression. As I got older I found losing control over certain things made me anxious, anxiety lead to darkness. I had some counselling to deal with these issues but I don't think it ever really goes away. I think some people are more prone to depression than others. After having William I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, and some of those days were days I never want to relive. When I was pregnant with Harry I was diagnosed with antenatal depression, something that upsets me massively now knowing the aftermath... why on earth was I depressed while I was carrying him? This depression made me unable to bond with Harry, which to me is a sign I knew something wasn't going to work out.

Since losing Harry, I wouldn't say I have been "depressed", but suffering with severe grief, alongside post-traumatic stress disorder. But as this grief and the PTSD have become part of my every day life I have been surprised to see days of my old "depression" sneaking back in. I have found a good way of controlling this is by keeping my mind busy. The busier and more occupied I am, the less time I have to think. I also have quite an addictive personality, which has got me into trouble in the past with various things and I need to be careful that keeping myself occupied doesn't lead to an addiction or an obsession (OCD).

The thing I have been most concerned about though is the "is it all worth it" thoughts. I used to think this pretty much every day after losing Harry and quite a bit during my various low spells. But if I find myself unoccupied or alone then these thoughts have started to come back to me again. I know most people would be totally shocked to hear this, as most days I paint on a happy face for people to see, and most of the time this is genuine, but not many people know the me behind the smile. I have thought about what would be the quickest and least gruesome way to do it, so it's over with fast. Some days I feel like I am done. I would like to just be reunited with my son. Not have to be in this dark place anymore.

But,  I will tell you why I haven't done it. My family. They would be the ones to find me... who wants that stuck in their mind forever? They would have to go on, wondering why I wasn't happy enough to carry on, and if it was their fault I felt the way I did. I can't do that to them. So, on I must go. Carry on through the darkness.

And as I think about these dark times, I remember the song...
When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go'

Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Watch the video CLICK HERE


I am lucky that I have some really lovely friends and family who make the dark times easier. Catching up with a lovely friend or seeing my kids smiles make the world a brighter place. I hope one day the dark days disappear forever and leave my poor brain alone. For now, I will keep myself busy and keep my mind occupied with pretty things and happy thoughts :)


2 comments:

  1. You are an absolutely incredible and inspirational lady. X

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