Suddenly, it is Christmas Eve. A year has passed since we shared the news about our rainbow pregnancy, and a year has passed since the "first Christmas as a bereaved mother".
At the beginning of the Christmas period I was busy after holding "Harry's Ball" at the end of November and suddenly I had millions of Christmas errands to run, presents to buy etc that I barely had time to think. Suddenly, plans were being made and things were getting done.
Today, as I finished the last of my jobs I felt relief. But it has been a very, very long time since I have had real time to think. I have been so busy planning the ball, being a mum, organising Christmas, seeing friends and going to Christmas parties, that today when it was all done, my mind was allowed to be free.
I don't allow this often as it doesn't always work in my favour.
This thinking time fell in line with our Christmas visit to Harry. Hard to believe a year has passed since we visited him and decorated the huge tree with Christmas decorations. This year we had bought Harry his own Christmas tree and decorted that a few weeks ago. But today, as I walked up the hill to Harry's special place, it was so sunny I couldn't see Harry's spot. I walked up with William who was excited to do our Christmas things with Harry. I felt overcome with sadness as I walked up the hill... "this is our second Christmas without Harry" I was thinking "This year he would be beginning to understand the magic of Christmas. He would be such an excellent friend for William." I began imagining a Christmas Day with Harry as a part of it, and enjoyed the imagery. Then, bang, back to reality. Here I am stood in a cemetery. I am here because my son died. The facts are overwhelming sometimes. I feel anger, I feel pain and I feel resentment. Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to come to this cemetery at Christmas to decorate my son's grave. I still can't believe it happened. I feel cheated. Cheated out of such happiness.
Tonight, I was a proud mummy as I watched William enjoy all the Christmas preparations. Leaving out the mince pie and carrot, hoping Santa will come in the morning. As I watched him, I felt sadness again. There is always going to be a huge part of my Christmas that is missing. I love Christmas, it is a beautiful time. Friends and family celebrating and making happy times. And one of my children is missing. I think as Christmas is all about the kids I will probably always find it hard. As well as it being another milestone of time without my boy.
I have enjoyed this Christmas so far. Lots of fun times with some wonderful friends and although it has been a bit of a rush I am looking forward to William opening his presents in the morning.
Thank you to everyone who have included Harry in their Christmas this year. He will always be a part of my Christmas, but it is nice to know people are always thinking of him, and us.
I have absolutely turned a corner in my grief, but I still have days where it hits me like a blow to the stomach. When you least suspect it. Today was one of those days.
I have been enjoying watching Florence develop too, and what a wonderful blessing she is, a gift from Harry to help mend Mummy's broken heart. She is a wonderful little girl and brings me such joy.
Through this joy, and the change of mindset I have had recently, I have begun to see the wonder in things again and to feel real happiness and to never take things for granted. I have certainly been a lucky girl this year with all the fun and happy times I have experienced and while there are always a few things I would change for it to be absolutely perfect, I am able to enjoy the ride until then :)
Merry Christmas everybody - and Merry Christmas to my beautiful Harry. Enjoy your day with the other angel babies, and hope Santa find you up in the stars.
Thank you for holding my hand and my heart through the good times and the bad. xxx