Christmas always used to be one of my favourite times of year. Spending time together as a family, eating lots of mum's delicious cooking, watching Nanny drink too much by lunchtime ;-) watching everyone open the presents I'd spent ages picking and wrapping, having a lovely nap by the fire and watching rubbish on the TV.
Last year, we knew we were expecting another baby, and we spoke frequently about how next Christmas would be so different. More presents to buy, an extra seat at the table...
When we lost Harry I read a lot of "guides to grief" and one of the things that it mentioned was milestones, like Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I could understand the birthdays and anniversaries thing... the birthday thing is going to be hard... Harry's special day... and every angel-versary of Harry's is hard... I remember him every Sunday morning, and every 10th of the month. The 10th June is also my Nan's birthday, but now it is Harry's angel-versary. I want to do something really special, each year, to mark that. But that's another story... What I couldn't understand was the Christmas thing. Why would Christmas be a hard time? Anyway, after I had tried to understand the Christmas thing I forgot about it.
Until, this weekend. We decided to take William to see Father Christmas at the local garden centre, where we had heard the grotto they had was "awesome". William was really excited. This is his first proper Christmas where he totally understands what is going on. The prospect of meeting Father Christmas, and telling him what presents he wanted was a bit overwhelming for him. Anyway, we got there, and had a wander around the Christmas decorations section which were amazing. I saw some lovely little baubles and said to Harry's Dad that I thought it would be nice to get a little wreath of baubles to put up at the "castle". He had a lovely idea which was how about decorating the tree that grows next to where Harry lies, or even getting a little Christmas tree to put up there. What a lovely idea. Then it hit me. This is what they meant.... Harry isn't with us for Christmas. This was meant to be his first Christmas. This is our first Christmas without him. Ugh. I felt awful, suddenly. I couldn't stop the warm tears just falling out of my eyes. I wasn't sobbing or anything, but I couldn't stop the tears. But we were in the queue for Santa's Grotto so I needed to get a grip because little children, excited to meet Santa with their parents, don't need to see a grown woman crying in a garden centre. When William met Santa, it was so magical and so perfect. I was so pleased I could give William this wonderful experience, and make such a fantastic memory for him to treasure. I got very emotional, and then remembered Harry. William is very lucky to experience this wonderful moment. But Harry will never get to share this special moment with William, like brothers should do at Christmas. So, anyway, that was the beginning. Then, it struck me again, in Tescos, when I saw the poinsettia plants, and again with the advent calendars.
William frequently asks us what we would like for Christmas. A lot of other people have also asked me what I would like. Well, what I would like is Harry back. Does that sound ridiculous? Out of anything I could possibly have I would like one more day with my little boy. Did you ever see that film, "A.I - Artificial Intelligence" ... well that scene at the end, when all he wants is to spend one whole day with his mother? Well that's what I would like.... with Harry. (Click here for the link to this scene) But, as this is rather unlikely, I would like to be pregnant again, so that I can feel like my life has some kind of forward driving direction, as I feel like I am currently in limbo, so discovering that I am expecting another baby would be the best Christmas present that I could ask for. This month was another cruel month. I have been taking my metformin, which makes me feel so ill and means I have had to give up all sugar and carbs to get through each day that I take it without having a very upset tummy. We have been doing everything that was recommended. Then, my period was late! Every day that it was late, I felt more and more excited that my wish might be coming true. I started to notice symptom after symptom, but every test I took was negative. I thought perhaps I was testing too early, so went to the doctors for a blood test, and he really believed that I was pregnant and told me that he was keeping his fingers crossed for him. I started to think about parties I had been invited to, and I wouldn't be able to drink at, or planning out my due date etc. But then, I went to the bathroom, and there it was... what a huge disappointment. I felt absolutely deflated. Empty. And very, very sad. What a crash back down to earth. I had a massive hug from Harry's dad, while I cried, not knowing what else I could possibly do to achieve the dream I am clinging on to.
So, Santa, as I am trying so hard to be a good girl... I don't want a lot for Christmas................ All I want for Christmas is a lovely positive pregnancy test... please :-) xxx