William's speach is coming on so well. We can sit and have little chats and most of the time they are very light hearted or really quite abstract and amusing.
William has been really into Disney films these past few months, and one of his favourites is Dumbo. We watched this when I was pregnant with Harry and I used to get emotional watching Dumbo's mother being carted off away from her baby, I never realised how that feeling of separation could be so painful.
Anyway, we used to talk about the baby animals being delivered by Mr Stork and that had happened with Harry... Mr Stork had delivered a baby to Mummy's tummy, and we had to wait until he was ready to come out. William and I talk a lot about how we miss Harry and how he was such a poorly baby, and how he is looking down on his big brother, with the angels, up in the sky. We also talk about how Mummy still wants for William to have another brother, or a sister. I jokingly said to William "oh I wonder if Mr Stork has bought us another baby William?" during the obsessive two-week-wait period of my last cycle. We talked about William's role with a new baby and he was excited, just as he was when we were expecting Harry.
The subject changed, I made lunch and when I was clearing away, William was stood in the patio doors looking up to the sky. "Mr Stork? Oh, Mr Stork?! Over here Mr Stork!" William was calling up to the seagulls flying over our house. Oh dear, how will I explain this one? I told William we will have to wait and see if Mr Stork will come.
I was talking to my bereavement counsellor about my obsession with getting pregnant again, and how I worry that it is all I seem to think about. She said, maybe the soul of your next baby is looking at you, and thinking Mummy you're not ready for me yet. But when you are, I will be there. I feel ready now, and perhaps for the past few weeks I haven't been. I am such a control freak, that all this "leaving it to chance" business is a bit too much for me!
Before I had William I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS). It was a shock to find out we were pregnant when I had been told by my consultant "you will struggle to conceive naturally". We hadn't been very careful and when I was two weeks late I thought my PCOS medication would need adjusting. But no, I had somehow got pregnant. It was a shock, we had not been together long, and were weeks into an engagement. But now, we wouldn't be without our little Will, and he truly has been my saviour throughout this dark time. He helps keep my mind busy, and makes me smile a lot.
When we lost Harry and the consultant said to me, when you are ready I'm sure you will have no problems conceiving again, I kept thinking about my old consultant's words about struggling to conceive naturally. And now, every month I am obsessing about ovulation, and period due dates but what if my PCOS is back? What if I have a problem that I didn't have before? I don't want to just "wait and see"...
Sadly, another month of trying and all the hopes and prayers for another pregnancy were shattered one morning this week when I woke up and realised I had my visit from Aunt Flo. Crushed and back to feeling empty again... When William was asking about Mr Stork later that day, I explained to him that Mr Stork is on holiday, and hopefully he will come and see us when he gets back. The start of another cycle begins, and let's hope this is our next chance...
(I have put myself back on my metformin mediciation for this cycle to see if it makes a difference...)