Friday, 7 September 2012

The Concept of Time

Tomorrow, it will be three months since I gave birth to my baby Harry. Three months? It feels very strange. Three months...

If Harry had been the healthy, happy baby that he should have been had vasa praevia not been the cruel condition that it is, he would be reaching many milestones by now. He would be smiling now, rolling over, maybe even sleeping through the night (not so, if he would've been anything like his older brother!!).

In some ways, three months feels like no time at all. People will say to me "well, it has only been three months" when they feel I am expecting too much of myself. They tell me it is still very fresh and raw.

In other ways, three months feels like a lifetime. A lot can happen in three months... Let me summarise my three months: I was induced, expecting my beautiful baby boy, and after suffering a horrendous bleed was given an emergency c-section to deliver Harry, who was born limp and lifeless. After being resussitated he was given intensive care on the NNU. Everyone in our families met Harry and we said goodbye to him 26 hours later. Then, I had to endure the painful recovery from the c-section, plan and organise a funeral for my son, I set up Harry's Trust and account to receive the thousands of pounds that were donated, my mum cared for William and I, and then we returned home. I tried to get my life "back to normal". We held the Trust's first event, the sponsored walk in Exmouth and received some lovely articles in the press. I had my hospital debrief, which sparked a campaign for change within the NHS. Then we had the Fete, then I wrote my very long letter of complaint to the hospital. I met with the lovely SNUG group and had a balloon release. This week I have met with the hospital (I will write a separate blog about that) and now am involved with the screening process change for Vasa Praevia. Amongst all that, I have managed to lose over two stone, have taken up yoga, raised over £5,000 for charity, organise a black tie event, (try to) potty train my toddler and keep a home and marriage together, with another funeral, a wedding and an MOT thrown in. Wow. I have been busy. And that is probably why three months feels like a lifetime. Because I have been filling my time. Even though I have been doing so much, just managing to get through each day is an achievement to me now. I have managed to keep it together for another day, I am surviving and I am coping.

As I have mentioned before, seeing baby boys is very hard for me. It started off by seeing newborns, it would be very hard for me. Now, it is any baby boy that looks like he would be the same age as Harry would be. I saw a dear little boy in a shopping trolley a few weeks ago. I smiled at him, and to my surprise, he smiled back. Then, I go and burst into tears. Oh dear. I think the granny pushing the trolley must have thought what a strange woman... but to be quite frank, I don't care anymore. I'm past that now. I am now very comfortable talking about what happened with Harry and how I feel. I am also very comfortable with the fact that I might burst into tears, at any moment, for what might seem like a ridiculous reason to anyone else. I am ok with that. I can quite quickly compose myself. Sometimes, I am reminded that I am missing Harry and that will make me tearful, and I don't expect that to ever change. What has changed though, is my attitude about how I feel about being tearful.

Even though I often think of what Harry should be doing now, I always think of him as my newborn baby boy. The baby I held in my arms for that short time. He is my Peter Pan child. The boy that will never grow up.

Three months on Harry..... I still love you just as much, and miss you dreadfully. You were my special little boy and will always be remembered with such love, by so many. I hope you are playing nicely up there Harry, and pray I will see you again. xxx


  1. It must be so hard to see other baby boys, My heart breaks for you :( You and your family are in my prayers xx

  2. A painfully honest and beautiful post, in the saddest way. Nikki, you sound nothing short of incredible. To channel grief into such a productive and selfless way in THREE MONTHS is nothing short of heroic. I'm sure doing things in some ways makes it easier, but in other ways makes it harder. I'm sure Harry is smiling down, proud as punch xx