When you lose a baby no one tells you that the journey you are going to go on will never end....
You kind of expect to feel really bad for a few months, but then things will return to normal.
Well, it has been almost three years since we said goodbye to our beautiful boy and normality has yet to return.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't recall the events of 8th June 2012.
Not a day that goes by when I crave just one more cuddle.
"Normality" to me would mean no more sadness and no more emptiness and no more loss.
But, three years on and things are still very hard indeed.
I guess you grow a thick skin, you learn to paint on the perfect smile so people don't think "why isn't she over it yet?" , you keep busy, you distract yourself...
On Harry's birthday last year it hit me harder than it had done, and the months that followed saw me not really recover from such a low point. Things got harder and harder, and I began to find daily routine almost too much to handle. I was having the darkest thoughts, thoughts I never imagined I could think. I was suffering such terrible pain, and everything I was trying to make myself better was not helping. I tried to keep busy, I tried to distract myself.... it wasn't enough. I was so worried after a couple of episodes of planning how to take my own life, that I sought help. I was referred to the "Crisis Team" and was given a programme of counselling and post traumatic stress therapy called EMDR, and have tried a couple different medications to help me recover.
I have now found a medication that works for me, and it has given me my energy back and my counselling has given me focus and the help I needed to get control back over my life.
My counselling has taught me how to deal with my trauma memories, and to keep the absolutely crushing feelings from becoming overwhelming. I now feel ready to move on to a new chapter in my life. I have spent three years in shock, in denial, in pain and in anger, sadness, resentment and disappointment,
I am now ready to concentrate on my future, the future of my family - who have helped me so much through these dark times, and the future of the work I carry out to honour the name of my beautiful son.
I imagine I will always have times when I have a blip and the dark times will return, but I know I can come out of them. I know that this is a lifelong journey but I really hope this is the end of this very hard time and that things can only get better....