Today I decided that my next counselling session will be my last. I feel funny about that as it has been a wonderful support to me since we lost Harry however I have been coping ok with the trauma side of things and the grief is now part of my life that I can accept and embrace when necessary. I take a very open view to my grief, which is not to hide it away and to understand that I will have days when the grief burden becomes unbearable, and that's ok. After all, I have experienced a hideous event and lost my child so I feel like these emotions and encounters are to be expected.
The trauma side of things seems to be subsiding. I am no longer overwhelmed by it. I feel like I am through the worst and am letting myself let go of the terrible memories whilst holding on to the memories that can make me smile.
I was explaining to my counsellor that right now going to the cemetry is quite painful and I feel guilt that I don't go visit his grave as often as I should. I used to find great peace at the cemetry but at the moment I am reminded of our final goodbye every time I visit and until I am ok with it again I am avoiding it. I don't want to feel bad as not a day goes by that I don't remember that precious boy, or that I talk about him in someway to someone.
I carry Harry in my heart. I have three amazing children, two that I can see and one that I can't, but my love for all three children is the same. They are all very loved. And that love is something that can never be taken away, not even death can end my love for those children. After death, my love for Harry is just the same as it was when I found out I was expecting, and when I met him for the first time... Just like anyone else you love... Pets, grandparents, friends, any loved one that dies or is no longer a part of your life, for whatever reason. That love you held for that person will remain for always, and nothing can ever change that. Love is permanent.
This sentiment is something I loved so much and wanted to share it. I am lucky to love many people in my life. Some I see frequently, some I don't see as much as I'd like, some I no longer see... but the love I have for those people is constant. While things around us change, bad things happen, or people move on, they move away, death parts us or circles of friendship change, love remains, and is constant.
And with Valentine's Day this week I would like for all those that I love to know how our bonds are unbreakable. Bad things happen, but our bond will always remain.
Love will keep that strong.
Love will get you through the tough times.
Love will bring you happiness when you are sad.
No one can ever take that away... not even death, the most final of things.