Holiday! It would be so nice....

We took our second family holiday last week. I wanted to write about it on this blog as some of the emotions I felt were ones that caught me by surprise.

When you book a holiday, it is all very exciting. The prospect of fun times, sunshine and relaxation. And, I was incredibly excited when we booked this holiday.

I wanted for us to have a lovely break together before the arrival of Little Pip and create some happy memories for William as well as for Harry's Dad and myself.

I was reminded of the identical holiday that we booked last year. The same time of year, and for the same reasons. We wanted William to have some quality time before the arrival of Harry.

When I was packing, I found all the maternity clothes that I bought last year for last year's holiday when I was expecting Harry. When I was planning our day trips I was reminded of all the lovely things we did together, with Harry there growing in my tummy. I remember stuffing my face with all the lovely, healthy, fresh fruit and salads at the all inclusive resort thinking of all the good I was giving to my baby. I feel very sad recalling my pregnancy with Harry as I was blissfully unaware of any problems, and just accepted all the symptoms as I did not know any better. If only.....

Then as we were preparing to leave I would find myself getting upset going on the holiday that we had discussed last year, except it was without our second baby. We had talked while we were away and when we got back about booking our next trip, and all the logistics of taking William and another baby. And yet, there we were, preparing to go on that very holiday, still with just the one child. I would find myself crying about it, and William would ask "why are you crying Mummy?" and I would say "because Harry can't come on our holiday". William always knows what to say. "Harry will be watching us in the sky with the angels Mummy". I felt horrendous on the day we were leaving, as it was the first time we had all left Harry for over a week and we would miss our regular visits. I felt empty and sad when I should have been feeling happy and excited.

While we were away, the hotel was just the same, and the staff were just the same. It was like we were reliving the same trip all over again. I would remember what life was like before we lost Harry and the "without a care in the world" feeling we all had. How I miss that. The "undamaged" time. But in reality, our lives have changed beyond recognition. It was nice to try and get a sense of "normality" for a while though.

I thought I would share something with you though. We took William back to the sealife centre we went to last year, and had a photo done with the sealions, as we did last year - and also to the crocodile park, and I held a baby crocodile:

2012 - pregnant with Harry.....

2013 - Pregnant with Little Pip:

So you can see it really does seem like the identical holiday! However this time I have the sadness to carry of losing Harry and the anxiety of carrying our rainbow baby... all emotions I never knew existed this time last year...

But, all the while, we had a nice trip and we enjoyed each other's company. William had a few days of sickness unfortunately but he was a star and didn't let it ruin his, or our, trip. So I decided to take a bit of inspiration from Wills and remember that Harry could still be with us on holiday and watch over us as he always does. While we didn't take him in person, I am sure he was there with us, in spirit. xxx