Friday, 4 January 2013

Our Christmas Wish....

Firstly I would like to apologise for the lack of blogging during December. It was a very strange month for me. I was constantly being caught out by grief - my first proper milestones without Harry were hitting me hard.

We had Harry's six month "angel-versary" and that was a strange time. Reflecting on the time we have spent without Harry and what we have achieved, but also remembering our very short time together and cherishing those memories and also imagining the life that Harry, and all of his family, would have had if things worked out differently.
Grandy &William singing "Jingle Bells" for Harry - with Harry's decorations

Christmas was a strange time. I worked hard at keeping Christmas as normal as I could for William, teaching him about Santa, putting up the decorations, writing Christmas cards (which was hard in itself as I so badly wanted to include Harry, but in the end felt it wasn't right), buying gifts and wrapping gifts. There were a few things I couldn't bring myself to do which included attending my annual candle lit church carol service, as it would be my first time back in the church we held Harry's funeral, and also the words of the hymns were too much for me. And also Christmas cookery: I believe that cooking should be done with love, and my heart wasn't in it this year, so enjoyed Mum's cooking instead ;-) . On Christmas Eve, we all went up to the castle as a family and decorated the tree next to Harry's grave with beautiful decorations and Christmas messages. I put a little tree with blue jingle bells on it, on Harry's grave and some lovely "in memory" Christmas cards as well. On Christmas Day we visited Harry and at several points during the day I felt overwhelmed with sadness, thinking of what Harry was missing and how he should be enjoying his first ever Christmas with us.
William excited about putting out the mince pie and carrots, milk 
and letter to Santa on Christmas Eve

I have found it incredibly hard hearing about others getting pregnant. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant. I find it very hard to be excited for those people, as I can only worry for them. I worry that things won't go to plan, and these people will be heart broken as I was. I find it hard to hear of people getting excited about their scans, because now all I can think about with ultrasounds is that it is no longer just an opportunity to get a photo of your baby and a glimpse inside your belly, but a very serious medical appointment to ensure the health of you and your baby.

Anyway, after the disappointment of my last "monthly" and the devastation that bought me after getting my hopes up I had decided to do all I could the next month and then to put it to the back of my mind after the "fertile time" was over. I took my medication, I took my prenatals, I tried hard not to think about it too much and put ourselves under too much pressure. I prayed after Harry's angelversary that he would send us a rainbow and show us he was watching over us.

The weeks passed, and I tried hard not to think about things too much. I was late. And this time I did not want to raise my hopes like I did last time, only to shatter my dreams again, but I thought the only way to know is to take a test. I bought a test. I was scared to take it. "What if I am too early? What if I get a negative because it's too early and I let myself down again? But what if it really is a negative and I get my period again and then we will be starting all over again?" Did I really want to know? Do I really want that horrendous empty feeling all over again? I put away my groceries and left the test on the side. I made William his lunch, and sat down with him. I thought "oh bugger it, I will take the test, and it is what it is".... I took the test and the test line came up immediately but nothing in the result window. Great, another negative.
I went upstairs to get some laundry and came back to sit with William, and looked at the test again. Wait a minute, there's a line in the result window. There's a line?! There's a line! Oh my god. I can barely believe my eyes. I call Harry's Dad - he doesn't believe me, either! My mum comes over for a cuppa and as she sits down I show her "what would you do if I showed you this?" I said, putting the test infront of her. She was excited but also apprehensive. I am still in shock. "What does this mean?" I am thinking. Wow, we are having another baby... Or are we? Are we going to get excited and plan the life of a new baby, only to have it snatched away so cruelly? Our Christmas wish for a rainbow baby had come true...!

I told a few friends our news. I found it very hard, as they would all be so overjoyed for us to finally have some hope in our lives, but I was still in shock and disbelief. This is happening again? Can I allow myself to be happy? I want so badly to be happy, and to enjoy being pregnant, as I know how much we wanted this and how so many other people would give their right arm to be expecting too. I also feel overwhelmed with guilt, for Harry. He should be with us. I shouldn't have to be feeling this way as I should be enjoying him. And I am sure he will be watching over this baby, but I hope he never feels as though this baby is a replacement for him or that he will be loved any less, or thought about any less now that we are expecting again.

Today I went to the hospital, with my Dad, and had little rainbow baby's first scan. I have been given an "early pregnancy scan" at approx 8 weeks. All is well, there is a little "pregnancy sac" and a tiny little baby, just one centimetre long, with a little flickering heartbeat. He looks like a kidney bean. Bless him (or her!). I met with my consultant and we have decided that, emotionally, I won't be able to experience labour ever again, so will be having a planned c-section around 37 weeks, all being well. So we are looking at end of July, beginning of August.
Little Rainbow Baby aged 7 1/2 weeks

It is going to be a very tough old journey, and whilst I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I feel like it is so far away and I won't be able to be completely happy until I have this baby in my arms, healthy and well.


  1. Oh wow, that is such amazing news! Congratulations. I'm part of SNUG so have followed Harry's story. What a way to start the new year xx

  2. Enormous congratulations! It's wonderful news. xx

  3. huge congratulations Niki!!! Your update made my heart stop, you write from the very depth of your soul and I just wish I could have done that after losing my daughter Ruby on the 22nd Dec 2004. Since losing Ruby I have had Poppy & Samuel and every single day of being pregnant is a worry, not just the early days - the whole lot but some days are less of a worry and easier to manage :)Every time fear took over I would go off for another private scan so that I could say hello to our bean and that would help (well not the bank balance but my PMA!) All the very best xx Amber (Kirsty put me in touch with your blog)