Over the past few weeks my life has been consumed by thoughts of "trying again".
I have been endlessly reading the forums of baby sites, learning all the acronyms used for ttc (trying to conceive). I have learnt how to read the signs your body gives you, at different times of the month to let you know when you're ready to make another baby. Obviously, as I am so desperate for another baby I am reading way too much into every niggle my body gives out. And at one point was so convinced I was already "with child" that I was taking pregnancy tests every day, and pouring over the tests, searching for that little line confirming my dreams had come true.... but nothing. Every day I would wake early, take the test, and spend a good 15 minutes wishing the lines to appear... and it didn't. Disappointment turned into sadness, then frustration and then when a week late, finally my "AF" showed up, I was just left feeling empty and hopeless.
I am not trying to replace Harry, not for one minute... I just feel that I need a baby in my life right now. I was so ready to be Harry's mum. I had been so excited about the life I had planned out for him, and sharing him with my family. And too soon, it was all over and suddenly we were saying goodbye, just as quickly as we had said hello. The space I had made in my life for Harry, and he filled that space for only 26 hours, before he was taken away again. So that space is still empty and I can't bear it.
The other thing is, seeing other babies. I don't know why I do it, but when I see a pram I always peer inside to see the baby, and always love to see their dear faces. It is such a real physical pain when I see the little face of a boy, it makes me just want to burst into tears immediately, remembering the little face of my beautiful Harry. My bereavement counsellor was speaking to me about this and we discussed friends with babies. We spoke about the act of me holding someone elses baby. I really feel that holding someone elses baby is going to be so so painful that I will not be able to do that until I have held my own, next baby. That may be a long time away yet, but right now, the idea of holding a baby just reminds me so much of holding Harry and saying goodbye, and I don't want to put myself through it, or the new mother, or the poor innocent little baby, who doesn't need to be held by an emotional wreck!
Poor William is starting to ask about when we will be having another baby as well, and I wish it were as simple as "Mummy and Daddy go to the shops" as he said today. Bless him. I so desperately want for him to be a big brother, he will be so good at it.
Hearing of others conceiving is like a blow to the stomach. Seeing heavily pregnant women makes me just so jealous. They will go on to have their healthy babies. Mine was taken, so cruelly.
I was in the toy store with William last week, and I heard a woman with her toddler, buying a present for the new baby. William and I had done this together the day before I was induced. William bought Harry a soft toy robot, and Harry bought William a Buzz Lightyear and a Rex - to help William accept a new member of the family. When I heard her say "when you come see Mummy in hospital, you can give this to the new baby" I was suddenly transported back to the day when we did the exact same act, before all this happened and when the world was a happier place.
I am trying to keep positive about it all though, keeping busy with campaigning and fund raising and focusing on keeping fit and eating right, to lose the weight I had gained with Harry, and pray that this next month, will be our month.