Eating away at me.....

In this blog, I have touched on the impact of loss on parenting.

These last few months have been tough for me as Florence is learning to eat by herself.

Cue mother in a state of anxiety every meal time.
Heart racing.
Panic striken.
Reliving nightmares...

Why am I doing this to myself?

To begin with I would only feed Florence myself, food that was pureed into a pulp with absolutely no lumps. We were doing well. I started introducing lumpy food and would panic whenever she gagged, even the tiniest bit.

Finger food - oh my god. What a nightmare this is. She needs to learn, and she is absolutely an independant young lady, so she really wants to learn too.

Every single meal time I am on edge. Worrying about the worst case scenario.

At her nursery they are fully confident in her ability and she gets to explore all kinds of food.

I want to do this too.

I am trying....

We fed her the other night, she was eating some rice cakes, while I spoke to her dad. She has a really bad cough and cold at the moment as well, and I looked at her she had a massive piece of rice cake in her mouth. The next thing she starts coughing and suddenly the massive piece of rice cake has disappeared.

Inside my head:
Oh my god.... where has that gone???? She has swallowed it??! She's choking....!!!

I freak out, and start hitting her on the back.

She's fine, but my over zealous back patting has hurt her and she is crying.

She is fine.

I am an idiot.

Relief - she is fine.

What an idiot, she is crying.....

I burst into tears... why do I feel like this? I feel like this because I can't lose another one. My children mean so much to me, I love them dearly. I am also truly broken from having to bury one of them, and now my remaining children will always be watched like a hawk.

This is a shame. I don't want to suffocate their souls. I want to let them be free to grow into their own people.

I am trying so hard.... but I miss Harry so much, I don't want to miss another one........